Getting Low with Your Partner – The Relationship Road Map

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a well-researched and evidenced-based therapy which provides a map of how to bring about connection from disconnection.  Various literature on EFT states that there are three roads to connection: The High Road, The Middle Road and The Low Road.

The High Road is where we enjoy vacations, go on date nights and to parties. On this road, we share our fun selves with one another and experience the thrill of new things, places, and people.

The Middle Road is where we pay the bills, share in the household responsibilities, get the kids to and from school, do the laundry, cooking, and cleaning. On this road we are navigating the logistics of daily life.  It may be hum-drum and routine, but it’s a road we all must take together.  We establish our roles here and we are doing life together.

The Low Road is where we share emotions and thoughts with each other, talk openly, and express our vulnerabilities and struggles. This road is one that may feel scary, but one that is necessary to be fully attuned to our partner’s inner world.

Our culture says that we need to strive for the high road, but inevitably the middle road starts to take over and for some of us, it is where we land and stay. Life is busy and hard.  But what about the Low Road? Too many couples never go there because they are stuck on the middle road or prefer to go up to the high road to build connection again.  The high road is easier. We say, “Life is so routine and hard right now. Let’s have a date night or go on vacation somewhere to escape it.”   We have fun on vacation where we are playful and get energized, and we can present our best selves.  But if we don’t go down to the Low Road and access vulnerability, we risk losing our connection.  The truth is, we cannot avoid the Low Road.  It has to be accessed to have an emotionally safe and healthy connection with each other and ourselves.

In these busy times, I challenge you to “get low” with your partner. Ask him or her how they are and what they are struggling with.  A soft and heartfelt conversation can be just the antidote to the disconnection that will happen when staying on the high or middle road.  Connecting on a deeper level on the Low Road will make the other roads so much richer and fulfilling as well. 

If you and your partner are stuck on a road, you don’t have to stay stuck. Let me help you break the negative patterns that keep you stuck. I encourage you to reach out today!